Friday, September 29, 2006
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(133) mind your language...
This post is dedicated to Judith cos she's feeling a bit homesick now. I hope it will brighten up her day and make her laugh (which she does so horrendously loud)...
Remember how mummy taught you guys English? Besides the little vocabulary cards I made or bought, I also had those phonetics placards which I changed regularly on my little noticeboard. Hmmm... she's probably forgotten >.<
But do you still remember this little ditzy Hokkien rhyme that I kept reciting so that you all will commit to memory, the 5 vowels in the alphabet?
a-e-i-o-u
'pang sai boh suay chiew'
*for non-bbc fans: Mind Your Language*afterthought: How do primary 1 teachers impart the a/an rule to 7-year olds?
the pig oinked at
3:28 AM
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Tuesday, September 26, 2006
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(132) back to basics...
This is an unusual paragraph: I'm curious how quickly you can
find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would
think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still
may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might
find out! Try to do so without any coaching! Good luck!
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And what have you found out?
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The letter 'e', which is the most common letter in the
English language, does not appear once in this long paragraph.
the pig oinked at
2:08 AM
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Saturday, September 23, 2006
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(131) english as she is spoke...
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
I did not object to the object.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I shed my clothes in the shed.
And since there is no time like the present,
he thought it was time to present the present.
Is English so hard to learn? Let's face it, English is a stupid language...
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in a hamburger;
And neither pine nor apple in a pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England,
Nor were french fries invented in France.
Sweetmeats are candies;
While sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that...
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square and
A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Why is it that bakers bake, but grocers don't groce?
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
And if the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat!?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth - beeth?
One goose, 2 geese... so one moose, 2 meese?
One box, 2 boxes... one index, 2 indices?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed
to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We park on driveways and drive on parkways?
We have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
a house can burn up as it burns down,
And in which you fill in a form by filling it out
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people and it reflects the creativity of
the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
But when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch, it starts;
But when I wind up this observation, it ends.
And finally, how about when you want to shut down your computer?
You have to hit 'START'!
*for the clueless: 'English As She Is Spoke'
the pig oinked at
12:38 AM
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Wednesday, September 20, 2006
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(130) good news? bad news?
It's official - Ben is now a clerk. It was the end of 'chiong-sua' for him after he fractured his hand. So I thought my new washing machine was safe from the smelly and muddy uniforms from field-camps and exercises. Then he was posted to OETI as an armour technician trainee. I shuddered at the thought of yukky engine oil-stained overalls. But now that he has revocated, it's goodbye to grease and grime under the fingers. Good news? Bad news? It all depends on how one views the situation...
The soldiers had been in the field for two weeks and hadn't had showers or been able to change their clothes.
Then one day the general came along and said, "Men, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"
All the men shouted, "Tell us the good news, tell us the good news."
The general smiled and said, "Men, the good news is that today we're going to change our underwear."
All the men cheered.
Then the general said, "Now the bad news. Tan, you change with Lim. Chong, you change with Ng......"
the pig oinked at
9:08 AM
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Saturday, September 16, 2006
*
(129) crap...
Friday is 'market day'. That's when I go to the wet market to buy fish and chicken for the week. That's crap cos the market stinks and the floor is perpetually slimy and wet.
Laogong decided to accompany me to market today. So I asked him if he wanted crap... oops, I meant CRAB! His eyes lit up as he had not eaten crab for a very long time. Laogong told me to buy FIVE! I said that was too many but he said 'Crab No Enough'. So I bought Sri Lankan crabs, big succulent ones!
As the maid and I struggled to cook the 5 big crabs in our medium-sized kwali, Laogong and Emily were literally breathing down our necks! The minute we set the chilli crab down on the table, they started feasting and made a mess... and that's crap!
I personally think crab is crap because you go through so much trouble just to savour the taste of crap... errrrr, I mean crab!
the pig oinked at
2:48 PM
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Sunday, September 10, 2006
*
(128) asses, arses & bishops...
Some people (I shan't say who) were such asses (arses?) today that they got me very agitated and worked-up.
Then later, at St Ignatius Church where we attended Jon's Sacrament of Confirmation, Archbishop Nicholas Chia gave a meaningful sermon when he spoke of the 9 Fruits of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)
The Archbishop said with the Holy Spirit in control of our lives, we would be improved in terms of our love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control and we must always remember that these gifts should be used to serve God and other people.
After reflecting on the sermon, I now feel more at peace with myself and with everyone else. However, the runs-in with the asses (arses?) and seeing the Archbishop this afternoon reminded me of something I came across a long time ago. May His Grace forgive my trespass...
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being
told there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase
one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse
was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He
figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and
enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the
local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor
to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a
nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news,
posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten
dollars. The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to
buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could
run wild. Headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
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The Bishop was buried the next day.
the pig oinked at
2:28 PM
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Tuesday, September 05, 2006
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(127) do good & care not to whom...
An ancient story has it that HEAVEN and HELL are exactly alike in that each is an enormous banquet with every wonderful dish imaginable piled on the great round table. The diners are each provided with a pair of chopsticks - six feet long!
In HELL, the diners give up struggling to feed themselves with these impossible tools and sit in ravenous frustration.
In HEAVEN, everyone simply feeds the person across the table.
Have you been kind to someone today?
the pig oinked at
2:38 AM
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Sunday, September 03, 2006
*
(126) closure...
6th Uncle was the glue that held his brothers together. He made time to visit everyone and kept them up-to-date on each other's families. He was always the first to visit anyone who was ill. Though his death was so sudden, it was a peaceful one. We are very sure that he has gone to take his place next to Jesus because he was a good man.
I shall pass through this world but once.
Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness
that I can show to any human being,
let me do it now.
Let me not defer or neglect it,
for I shall not pass this way again.
the pig oinked at
6:48 AM
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